Over the last couple of years, grief has been an emotion that I have become very familiar. During this time, I have experienced multiple losses and gone through different waves of grief. Over the last week, I experienced another loss and am currently working through a new wave of grief, all while trying to finish my next book. Grief is a funny thing as it is hard to pin down because each loss has impacted me differently. In some cases, it has inspired me to push, get moving, focus my energy on my creative work and endeavors, while in others it has made it near impossible to complete my tasks. Below are some things I have learned about myself while writing through my grief.
1. I can’t force my way through my feelings.
- I am currently working to finish my second children’s book. I am 95% done but am in the middle of a major loss. I have had to put a pause on that process as I know I cannot make big decisions right now. At the end of the day, I want to feel good about the final product and I know I won’t be able to if I push and rush the process just to ‘get it over with’. So much time, energy, heart, and love go into each book. If my cup is empty, my book will feel that way as well and that is not what I want for my readers. By pausing and putting my energy into myself, my family, and my healing I am going to be better off in the long run.
2. If I sit with it, feel it, and ride out the ‘wave’, I can find inspiration and meaning on the other side.
- During the loss of my grandmother, whom I was extremely close to, I found that even though it impacted my writing / book creation process, I could channel my creative energy into my healing process by making the flower arrangements for her funeral and writing her beautiful death story. I had never really created big floral arrangements before that, but it felt like a way I could honor her memory in a way she would love, and I would find healing as well. While doing this may have seemed like a diversion from my writing, it was very healing and meditative. It also inspired me to write down her death story, which I have drafted and am still working on completing. Both activities were things I couldn’t force and while they didn’t help me in completing my most recent children’s book, they helped me to process and heal so I could move forward with clarity.
3. The extreme feelings are temporary. Giving them a voice provides an outlet to express and help me stay grounded to keep moving forward.
- I like to think of grief like the ocean. It can be vast but comes and goes like waves in the sand. For me it’s almost rhythmic in nature and as I heal is something I can move forward from, but also something that will hit me again from time to time. By finding things that have ground me, whether they be a creative endeavor, exercise, meditation/prayer, or even a walk-in nature, I can keep moving forward. In one of my bouts of grief I found poetry to ground me, so I read and wrote it a lot. Below is a poem I wrote from that time.
Greif
In the water with waves crashing against my skin
My heart is pounding, and my throat feels closed in
It’s hard to breathe it’s hard to move
It’s hard to see clearly from this gray colored view
Everything feels heavy like walking through the sand
I’m not sure what’s in this new reality or where I will land
I know I need to feel to process and heal
But some days I want to run and avoid that this is real
I find myself running away from the reality inside
I go through the motions, distract myself and hide
Hiding because it hurts to be seen and continue to feel
The pain of loss that makes me ache and reel
Even though I struggle and feel down
I still have hope that I will heal and reclaim my crown
Reclaiming this new version of myself after the old me died
Reclaiming my joy after all the tears that I’ve cried
Allowing this time to clean me anew
So that I can know this new me and show her to you
4. Finding the flow and rhythm of the current grief cycle I am in, helps me understand what I can handle.
- By grounding myself, I am able to gain perspective to feel the flow and rhythm of my grief cycle as I have learned they are not all the same. Once I have this level of awareness, I can also understand what it is that I am able to handle at that time. There is not a lot of logic for me in this process, it isn’t a mathematical equation, and I can’t “should” it away. However, once I understand the rhythm, I have a clue for when it will crest and when it will trough and what I can manage during those times.
5. Asking for help is essential for healing.
- I have learned that asking for help is essential. If you struggle with anything, reaching out and asking for help is the first step for healing. Asking for help can look different and be done in many ways. Sometimes that has looked like asking for an extension from my editor/publisher on my creative deadlines, while other times this looks like asking for help in accomplishing tasks at home from family members, other times it looks like asking my husband to take the kids so I can focus on my ‘to do list’ because I am overwhelmed. Sometimes it looks like asking help from medical, mental health, or other healing professionals. Whatever the mountain is that I am struggling to power through and overcome, I can handle if I ask for help. It’s not always easy, but it is worth it in the end.